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Drinker's Fault Finding Guide

Symptom
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault
Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution
Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault
Glass is empty.
Solution
Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom
Feet cold and wet. 
Fault
Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
Solution
Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom
Feet warm and wet. 
Fault
Loss of self-control. 
Solution
Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom
Bar blurred. 
Fault
You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. 
Solution
Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom
Bar swaying. 
Fault
Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution
Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom
Bar moving. 
Fault
You are being carried out. 
Solution
Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom
The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. 
Fault
You have fallen over backwards. 
Solution
If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. 
Fault
You have fallen over forwards. 
Solution
Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom
You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. 
Fault
You have spent the night in the gutter. 
Solution
Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom
Everything has gone dim. 
Fault
The pub is closing. 
Solution
PANIC!!!!

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